So this post is coming very out of the blue and I doubt that any of you will have expected this post because of how cheery I’ve been recently. But I’ve been acting like that because I’m trying not to focus on how I actually feel and thought that if I hid it, then it wouldn’t be real. But I gotta tell you all becaue I can’t stand the thought of misleading people – especially you guys any longer.
Today I cried for the first time since turning 16. I think it’s because I came to an actual realisation about my state of mind and how I feel and it’s not ideal to say the least.
Lately I’ve been feeling very suicidal. Well not exactly lately – I’ve been feeling this was for a few months now.
I don’t know if I’ve told you guys but I actually had a plan panned out ready to help me do it. And no, it wasn’t anything Hannah Baker did. It was a lot simpler and less painful but one day I accidentally let something slip to my school librarian and she legit wouldn’t let me leave school until I told her absolutely everything. She made me feel like my life was worth living and without her, I most likely wouldn’t be here writing this – I definitely wouldn’t be here writing this.
But these feeling have been becoming stronger and stronger lately and I honestly don’t know why. I feel like everything I do is wrong and people only talk to me out of sympathy or some shit and I know that it’s highly unlikely but it’s just so hard to get over. Once you lose the love for yourself, it feels like EVERYTHING is against you. Like everything you do pisses somebody off and the world would be better off without you. Yeah I know its fucking cliche and I fucking hate that I feel this way but I can’t stop.
I try SO HARD to please everyone. To try and be this respectful girl that everyone thinks is this super awesome chick. I try to make my friends laugh and my family proud of me. Fuck, I even try to make my therapist feel like I’m getting better but in actuality I’m 10 times worse and I don’t know what to fucking do or how to fucking feel or how to get better.
And I’m angry. I’m always angry. At the world, at myself. At everything and everyone for something that is MY fault. Nobody else but mine. ME. I do this to myself.
And no, I don’t want sympathy or anything like that. I just want to scream from the rooftops that I’M UNHAPPY. I’M SO FUCKING UNHAPPY ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY AM I ALWAYS UNHAPPY????? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY
I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW I FEEL. TO GET THAT I’M IN PAIN.
But instead I laugh it off. I wipe my tears away and clear my throat and act like everything’s all okay. Because that’s who I am.