How I Really Feel – An Explanation

Hey Guys,

So this post is coming very out of the blue and I doubt that any of you will have expected this post because of how cheery I’ve been recently. But I’ve been acting like that because I’m trying not to focus on how I actually feel and thought that if I hid it, then it wouldn’t be real. But I gotta tell you all becaue I can’t stand the thought of misleading people – especially you guys any longer.

Today I cried for the first time since turning 16. I think it’s because I came to an actual realisation about my state of mind and how I feel and it’s not ideal to say the least.

Lately I’ve been feeling very suicidal. Well not exactly lately – I’ve been feeling this was for a few months now.

I don’t know if I’ve told you guys but I actually had a plan panned out ready to help me do it. And no, it wasn’t anything Hannah Baker did. It was a lot simpler and less painful but one day I accidentally let something slip to my school librarian and she legit wouldn’t let me leave school until I told her absolutely everything. She made me feel like my life was worth living and without her, I most likely wouldn’t be here writing this – I definitely wouldn’t be here writing this.

But these feeling have been becoming stronger and stronger lately and I honestly don’t know why. I feel like everything I do is wrong and people only talk to me out of sympathy or some shit and I know that it’s highly unlikely but it’s just so hard to get over. Once you lose the love for yourself, it feels like EVERYTHING is against you. Like everything you do pisses somebody off and the world would be better off without you. Yeah I know its fucking cliche and I fucking hate that I feel this way but I can’t stop.

I try SO HARD to please everyone. To try and be this respectful girl that everyone thinks is this super awesome chick. I try to make my friends laugh and my family proud of me. Fuck, I even try to make my therapist feel like I’m getting better but in actuality I’m 10 times worse and I don’t know what to fucking do or how to fucking feel or how to get better.

And I’m angry. I’m always angry. At the world, at myself. At everything and everyone for something that is MY fault. Nobody else but mine. ME. I do this to myself.

And no, I don’t want sympathy or anything like that. I just want to scream from the rooftops that I’M UNHAPPY. I’M SO FUCKING UNHAPPY ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY AM I ALWAYS UNHAPPY?????  WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY

I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW I FEEL. TO GET THAT I’M IN PAIN.

But instead I laugh it off. I wipe my tears away and clear my throat and act like everything’s all okay. Because that’s who I am.



Alex

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “How I Really Feel – An Explanation

  1. amberafter says:

    I think it took a lot of courage for you to write this. In saying that, it also takes a strong person to lay bare how you are feeling and I admire you for that, I really do. I hope that your suicidal thoughts don’t get the better of you because you are a shining light and a beautiful soul. I’m not a phycologist or anything so I can’t really give you any advice, but from the bottom of my heart, I really hope that things do get better for you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bayance says:

    I just want you to know that you are not obligated to fake your happiness to please your friends and family. Of course don’t lash out on them but try to focus on yourself before them. Think about what makes you happy. Think about what you’ve been through and how strong you were to overcome it. You are here for a reason and don’t let your potential limit you to just pleasing others. I know it’s easier said than done but at the end of the day, you only have yourself in the grave. You will be held accountable for your own actions. Try not to depend your source of happiness to people that keep changing. And girl if you even think about killing yourself, I’m taking a flight to the UK to steal your food (trust me, it’s a brutal punishment) Seriously though, jokes aside, do not underestimate what you’re capable of doing. You have a bright future ahead of you even if you don’t see the point of it. You never know what might happen until you stay patient and find out. Everyone has a specific time period in this temporary life and please don’t try to shorten it. One day you’ll realize that you can’t find true happiness all the time in this life – it’s too temporary and there will always be ups and downs. If you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. Honestly I’m so cliche but it’s true. I didn’t mention religion in this comment because I didn’t want to take advantage of how you’re feeling but I’ll probably make a post one day (or if you want to talk about it, feel free to dm). And finally, instead of thinking “why me?”, think “what is this trying to telI me?” (fine, I totally stole that from Instagram) I really hope everything gets better and I can only wish you healing. You can get through this – I know you can. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aboutmyawkwardworld says:

      Ugh dude you can’t just take my food alright? That’s not fairrr. Anyway, thank you for writing this (is it weird that I read it 3 times and it actually made me feel bit better?)The Instagram quote made a cringe a little but its okay haha.
      Thank you so much, I’ll try my best to get better💞

      Like

      • Bayance says:

        Well you better not do it then. 😂 Hahaha instagram is pretty cliche but whatever. Wait, was that last sentence sarcastic? 😂 I feel like you’re saying “Jee Bella – as if I’m suddenly cured now”. I didn’t mean it that way 😂 but remember that time will heal.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Indy Watson says:

    Aw dude. You can always talk to me. I feel so bad ranting about my stupid issues when you’re on the other end literally wanting to die. You can always talk to me dude. I know theres not much i can do being half way across the world but I’m still here and i highly value your friendship

    Liked by 1 person

  4. myintrovertedlife19 says:

    I was in the same position before. I didn’t want to be alive. I was tired of faking my happiness so people didn’t think something was wrong so I never had to explain myself. I was very quiet about it, self medicating in my room at night then crying myself to sleep. To this day, I’ve never been able to completely open up about that time in my life. I get how to don’t want sympathy. I don’t want you to do anything bad to yourself though, even though you really want to. It does get better. It might not seem like it now, but it will. Whether it’s in a week, a month, or even a year. You gotta remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and eventually you’ll realize it was all worth it. All the struggling, all the tears, all the screams nobody can here, it will be worth it. Absolutely everything you’re going through right now will end up being worth it. If you ever need to talk, you can message me. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s