Anxiety Abstractions pt.1

sometimes I wonder why.

why they all hate me.

my “friends”. my “family.

myself.

I wonder a lot.

if you knew me, you’d realise that I do that a lot.

It’s kind of a habit of mine.

I sit back and replay every conversation I have ever had over and over again.

until I’m in tears, in the midst of a panic attack, or end up hurting myself.

thats what I do to feel better.

I love to vomit.

It’s like getting every nasty thing that’s happened to me out of my system.

nobody knows. it would make things weird if I told them.

I hope you’re ready, because I’m about to tell you the story of my life.

And no, this is not some 13 reasons why stuff.

It’s real. It’s me. Miss Paranoia. Miss Loner, Miss Loser. Me.

– – – – – –

I’ve never really had a proper friend before.

I always seemed to fuck it up in one way or another.

I don’t think I’ll ever have a proper friend.

I don’t think I’m a very likeable person actually

sometimes I wonder about life. my life, their lives, just life in general.

in my life, I don’t really see the point.

why should people like me get to live?

I mean, it’s not like anyone would HONESTLY care if I did or if I didn’t. 

sure people would say they do, but it’s not true. 

if it was, I wouldn’t have spent most of my school days in playground alone.

sitting, not caring about anything or anyone when really, I’m dying for somebody to tell me they care. 

someone to tell me I matter and that I’m worth living for. 

it happens every once in a while, but I see the pity in their faces.

they don’t are – they just want to seem nice.

– – – – – – 

I cry a lot too.

it’s not something I like to talk about but I always do.

crying for me is like breathing. 

I cry when I vomit, I cry when I’m alone.

I cry when I feel like nothing.



okay hey all.

So I was cleaning my room earlier today and found a notepad and inside I had filled it up from cover to cover with stuff like this. Like, the writing LITERALLY never ends. So I thought I’d share it all with you. This is dated from almost a year ago today and I was in a SUPER bad place. It’s crazy how much can change in a year.

Welcome to the first part of my journal full of musings, madness and sadness. It get’s a but graphic at points so just keep that noted if you decided to keep reading this series.

In all honesty, I have no idea why I’m sharing this here, but I feel like if anyone ever feels like this, writing it down helps. A LOT. It helps with processing, breaking down and starting fresh.

Also, I am here if you ever need to talk about literally ANYTHING so please use me to your hearts content. my email is myawkwardblog@outlook.com

Love ya,

Alex💞

17 thoughts on “Anxiety Abstractions pt.1

  1. Bayance says:

    Oh myyy!! I’m so glad you overcame at least a little bit of that. Don’t ever question your worth based on what other people say girll.

    “sitting, not caring about anything or anyone when really, I’m dying for somebody to tell me they care.
    someone to tell me I matter and that I’m worth living for.”

    Okay can we just talk about that for a second? I feel like these negative thoughts of people depending on what other people should tell them is a thought that occurs in everyone’s mind. I just don’t get why that happens. Like why do you need someone else saying you matter? Is it just lack of purpose? And a lot of people wonder why no one cares or no one sees them but the thing is, people are not mind readers. Don’t say you’re fine when you actually need someone to talk to. Don’t say your life is great when you’re going through the hardest obstacle. People are busy. People are too caught up with their own life and what other people think about them and they just can’t help everyone. At the end of the day, you can only control your own actions so you might as well just tell yourself that you matter and tell yourself that you care because people aren’t going to give you that affection all the time. Just like you need to care about yourself, they need to care about themselves too. This is not aimed to you btw. It’s just I’ve had friends and just people in general who always say “I say I’m fine but I’m not” and “Ugh I wish someone would just care” and I just can’t wrap my head around being caught to other people to validate myself.

    Wow sorry for that big rant up there that probably is the most ignorant thing to say at the moment. Everyone has different situations and different upbringings and all I can do is pray for their peace and self-love. Anyways, thanks for sharing the poem – it might help someone out there realize that these dark holes won’t last forever. I agree with writing stuff down to deal with anxiety too! It’s great to just let it out on paper and decide what to do next.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Aboutmyawkwardworld says:

      Yesss, I totally understand your rant. I don’t even know why I do it myself half of the time – it sure can be SUPER irritating. But I feel like once you feel that way, it’s hard to find a rational cause and you just think that everything is just out to conspire against you if that makes sense?
      THANKS FOR READINGGGG (long comments with Bayance is BACK!😂)

      Like

  2. Emmarodgers. A long journey of mine. says:

    Wow !! This was an amazing blog and I really loved the way that you wrote. I have too actually never had real friends because of me traveling so much. I can totally understand. Also, I have sent you another email about the collab so pls reply to all of my questions asap. Pls. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Indy Watson says:

    Damn dude. That hit hard. I was seriously so worried and I’m just thankful that you’ve been able to get out of that dark hole and that you’re feeling in a better place now.

    I hope you know that you’re loved by so many people and the world around you would not be the same if you dissappeared.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. iamquitepoetic says:

    I saw this post and I thought you were talking about the fact that you feel like this right now and I was so worried 😥 I’m so glad you’re better now and I hope you’ll keep progressing because that’s how I used to feel as well ❤ I'm here if you ever need to talk!

    Liked by 1 person

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