sometimes I wonder why.
why they all hate me.
my “friends”. my “family.
I wonder a lot.
if you knew me, you’d realise that I do that a lot.
It’s kind of a habit of mine.
I sit back and replay every conversation I have ever had over and over again.
until I’m in tears, in the midst of a panic attack, or end up hurting myself.
thats what I do to feel better.
I love to vomit.
It’s like getting every nasty thing that’s happened to me out of my system.
nobody knows. it would make things weird if I told them.
I hope you’re ready, because I’m about to tell you the story of my life.
And no, this is not some 13 reasons why stuff.
It’s real. It’s me. Miss Paranoia. Miss Loner, Miss Loser. Me.
– – – – – –
I’ve never really had a proper friend before.
I always seemed to fuck it up in one way or another.
I don’t think I’ll ever have a proper friend.
I don’t think I’m a very likeable person actually
sometimes I wonder about life. my life, their lives, just life in general.
in my life, I don’t really see the point.
why should people like me get to live?
I mean, it’s not like anyone would HONESTLY care if I did or if I didn’t.
sure people would say they do, but it’s not true.
if it was, I wouldn’t have spent most of my school days in playground alone.
sitting, not caring about anything or anyone when really, I’m dying for somebody to tell me they care.
someone to tell me I matter and that I’m worth living for.
it happens every once in a while, but I see the pity in their faces.
they don’t are – they just want to seem nice.
– – – – – –
I cry a lot too.
it’s not something I like to talk about but I always do.
crying for me is like breathing.
I cry when I vomit, I cry when I’m alone.
I cry when I feel like nothing.
okay hey all.
So I was cleaning my room earlier today and found a notepad and inside I had filled it up from cover to cover with stuff like this. Like, the writing LITERALLY never ends. So I thought I’d share it all with you. This is dated from almost a year ago today and I was in a SUPER bad place. It’s crazy how much can change in a year.
Welcome to the first part of my journal full of musings, madness and sadness. It get’s a but graphic at points so just keep that noted if you decided to keep reading this series.
In all honesty, I have no idea why I’m sharing this here, but I feel like if anyone ever feels like this, writing it down helps. A LOT. It helps with processing, breaking down and starting fresh.
Also, I am here if you ever need to talk about literally ANYTHING so please use me to your hearts content. my email is firstname.lastname@example.org