I did it again.

June 4th 2018 – Monday

I did it again. Exactly 105 days ago from when I let you guys all in on my secret. The dirty little sin I used to commit every single day…I did the exact same thing again. I forced myself to throw up every ounce of food that I’ve eaten today and I feel completely and utterly wrecked.

I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I don’t know how to stop anymore. I thought I had it under control. That I was better now and that I could move on from that part of my life.

But somehow, someway, I always end up coming back to it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so, so, so tired.

You know sometimes I wonder if I was destined for failure. If all the mishaps and problems were all just setting me up to my inevitable future as a loner.

Life’s tough, especially tough when you’re me. You guys constantly tell me it’ll get better, fuck I even tell that to myself but I swear, nothing ever changes. Its all the same.

It’s all the same.

It’s all the fucking same.

Alex.

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12 thoughts on “I did it again.

  1. Illumine** says:

    I’m not sure if it will help but I want to try to help… open you’re heart so you will be able to accept things the way they are, because once you do that, you will be able to change them too. And mostly, open you’re heart for yourself and accept yourself….
    You can talk to me if you feel like it☺
    PS: I’m not a 70 year old man (just sayin😁)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bayance says:

    I don’t know what to say. I wish it was just as easy as saying “stop throwing up” or “give yourself portions” but I know it’s much harder than that. What I do know is that you’re strong and you will fight it. You will get through this. And no, you are not destined for failure. This is just a roadblock on your path to a stronger person. It may seem like you’ll never move forward, like you’re always taking the roundabout to the same destination (ew what’s with my road metaphors?) but if you identify your problem and take baby steps to solve it, you’ll be on your way again. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’ll be there if you need anything. Keep walking (xX – gosh I’m so cheesy)

    Liked by 3 people

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