(warning – the topic of this post is very sensitive so continue at your own risk)
So today I wanted to let you into what used to be a massive part of life. It consumed everything I did for about a month and a half and I would say it changed me a lot as a person –
I had Bulimia.
So in case any of you don’t know what this means, it’s (in my opinion) basically binging and purging. So sometimes I would eat a shit tonne of food and then throw it all back up again. Yes, I know it’s not pretty but it’s reality and not everything is daisies and kisses and hugs and chocolate.
For me, it wasn’t just a once in a while thing where I would eat a whole chocolate cake and then throw it up. It got to a point where I was doing it after every meal and every snack. Like even if it was something small, I would try my best to get as much of it up as possible and wouldn’t stop until I thought it was all out. I don’t know how it started, but one day I just remember throwing up a slice of cake my brother had bought me and it just started from there.
I remember that night perfectly. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.
Before I did it, I thought it was gonna be a one time thing. “Come on Alex – just this one slice of cake”. As soon as it was over, I KNEW that I was gonna be doing it again, and again and again.
It was like an addiction, I just couldn’t stop. It was like a fucking part of my day – if I didn’t do it at least 3 times a day then I would feel incomplete, and I would have an anxiety attack and freak out and cry myself to sleep.
I even did it in school. The days that I actually decided that I WAS going to eat, I went to the toilets and let it all back up. And it felt disgusting. I felt weak. But I had to do it. I had to.
This is NOT the story that I wanted to tell today, but it’s been a secret for such a long time. I haven’t told anybody that I know personally in real life yet – and I don’t intend to for a long time, but I feel better telling you guys.
I don’t know what made me stop, but one day I just woke up and forced myself to eat and keep it in. It wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t helping anybody. If there is one thing I could say to any of you who are even THINKING about it – it doesn’t help. Honestly, it just makes you feel like shit afterwards. It’s like a drug – once you start, it’s SO SO hard to stop and that could lead to some serious health complications and it shouldn’t even be the answer and is not worth the hassle.
I’m much better now, I’ve been hanging around people who accept me and I don’t feel the need to change or feel like I’ve lost control.
This was hard for me to say but if it even helped ONE person then I know it was worth it.
If anyone would like to talk about anything then I’m always here.
I’ll see you all in my next blog post,